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Communist Jokes

The jokes on this page are about stupid and embarrassing persons. These more or less braindead lifeforms are, of course, also knows as communists. At least according to the crazy and stupid Uncle Thorstein.


This is how a typical communist might look.

The communist Chris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
- Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
- I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.
- I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.

A busload of communists were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the communists. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the communists had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them.
- Were they ALL dead? asked the puzzled sheriff.
- Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them communists lie and talk bullshit.

A preacher was dying, and he sent for two communists. They were very flattered and agreed to come. When they got there, he asked them to stand on either side of the bed and hold his hands. The pastor lay on the bed with a look of pure joy on his face. They were even more flattered, but finally, their curiosity got the better of them. They asked why he wanted them, two communists there while he was dying. He smiled and said:
- I just wanted to die like Jesus. He died between two thieves.

One communist blonde decides one day to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his communist wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted paint the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

How do you get a communist up on the roof?
- You tell him the drinks are on the house...

Two communists were travelling in a car to Disneyland. They were travelling along the freeway and were almost there, when they came to a sign which said: Disneyland Left. So they turned around and drove home.

A communist farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first, just to have some fun. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and... voila, everything else was automatic! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze,shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier`s Customer Service Hotline. The farmer:
-Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow`s udder?
Customer Service:
-Don`t worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.

A communist touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. He asked the waiter:
- What is that you just served?
- Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!
The communist, though momentarily daunted, said: - What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!
- I am sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!
The next morning, the communist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said:
- These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:
- Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

A communist was walking in the woods and after a few hours of walking he approached and big rock with a tiny guy sitting on top of it. He sneaked upon the tiny guy and when he was just a few inches from him, the little creature turned around and got really scared.
-Wwwho are you?,the tiny guy asked .
-I'm Gary, and who're you?
-Well, you're really not supposed to know, but since you spotted me, I have to tell you, I'm the real Santa Claus.
-No way, Gary said.
-Yes I am, and since you found me I have to give three wishes.
-Well, if this is really true, Gary said, then I would like a big house in Florida.
-You got it, Santa answered.
-Then I would like to have a beatiful girl there who just want to have
"fun" all the time.
-She's already there, Santa said confident.
-And finally I would like a huge pot of gold in the house.
-No problem. But there's a string attached, Santa said.
-What??? Gary yelled.
-You've got to bone me here on the rock right away.
-Are you kidding me??? Gary said.
-Nope that's the only thing, and you need to do it to get your
wishes coming true.

Well, Gary thought that it couldn't be that bad, and after all, it would just take a minute, and the stuff he would get would last forever. So he pulled Santas pants down and did what he needed to do.

When he was done a few minutes later they both got their clothes on and Santa looked at Gary.
-Let me ask you something Gary, how old are you?
-Just turned 42, Gary answered.
-And still believe in Santa Claus?


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